Some days I need to remember those things The things that give my soul the strength to heal Allow myself to feel the joy life brings
To take time out, listen as nature sings Away from keyboards and the glaring screen A gentle reminder, a note-to-self It’s never too late to take that one day In the arms of nature to simply feel
For life isn’t about making cash wealth Spiritual wealth can’t be a might have been When time out is good for the mental health With memories of the beauty I’ve seen
So when I’m quiet I’ve not gone away It’s time to hear what nature has to say
when the nights are haunted with repetitive dreams the radio-active nightmares of one night the one night trust in love died crucified in sacrifice to your selfish want defiling my body on those nights shaking with fear alone in the dark I remember you for what you are but you didn’t destroy me as you wanted and in that knowledge I celebrate my victory to live free
Protecting the Heart Form: Epistle Theme: Self-Healing
What is the loving heart but a thing to be shattered and broken to be used and abused and left tattered by words unspoken the cruel annoyance of desire the nuisance that turns the eyes blind in its raging battle to overpower the quiet sensible thoughts of the mind sensible thoughts shutting feelings down shielding the heart in its desperate plight with a shy voice, softly spoken as the quiet introvert bids the pain good night
In nearly 57 circuits of the sun, I have had many life lessons come my way. Choosing one that is more important than any other is impossible as they have all been vital in my growth and development into the person I am now.
A life lesson is a teaching not to make that mistake again. They are also helpful in learning who we really are and understanding ourselves better. Life lessons are the hard reality of consequences from action and without those consequences, we don’t learn putting our hands in the fire is a bad idea. They are things we learn the hard way and always too late to prevent the hurt of learning them
If I must choose one thing, I have learned the hard way this year then I have to say it is learning and accepting it is okay to be me, to live my life my way, and follow my own beliefs. Society is judgemental and people like to judge others. That social pressure pushed me off my own path into something that was totally wrong for me and caused a major problem with my mental health. To my chagrin, I knew it was happening but stubbornly refused to do anything about it until my mental health collapsed.
By putting someone else’s aspirations, dreams, and goals before my own I left myself nothing to hold onto, an existence without living. Over 2022 I have done something about it and the hard lesson has been taken on board. Never again will I let someone else influence my vision of life. This is my path and I decide where it takes me
It is far easier to forgive other people, to let them off the hook, and take the blame for their actions onto myself. They can’t help it; they don’t mean to – too often I hear myself saying or thinking that. In some ways, it makes forgiving others quite self-destructive and that can be problematic
Forgiveness shouldn’t be about letting someone get away with what they do wrong. However, all too often that is exactly what it means. They want forgiveness so they can shift the blame and consequences onto others and feel better about themselves. Is that what forgiveness is?
And there lies the problem for me. Sure, I can forgive someone for what they do to me so they feel okay and let me take the blame for their actions as normally they will say it’s my fault anyway. It probably is in as much I let that person get close enough to make me care about what they do or say to me.
The art of forgiving self is so much harder because I judge myself harsher than anyone else ever will. That is not surprising given the inner critic will always be the unkindest critic there is. Somehow, I must find a way of letting it go when I feel I am beyond my own redemption and that really is about self-acceptance, accepting my faults, accepting my weaknesses, and being okay with that. Sometimes it is also accepting that someone else could help it and did mean it. And it is not my fault they are an asshole.
Matter of Survival Form: Epistle Theme: A Self-Healing Journey
As a Celtic Pagan the old year is ending and new year is about to begin it seems more than a little apt that my self-healing journey is at an evaluation point so the first half of the year was hideous with my mental health shot and my emotional state a complete car crash the impact of three years of negative toxicity was taking its toll that’s for sure so moving quickly past that shit and sitting with a fabulous therapist a lovely guy who put me into a self- healing course which I thought would be a complete waste of time but I was used to wasting my time and doing the worthless things I do by then so went with it it couldn’t get any worse I am not ashamed to say I got that totally wrong I’m not saying things got better instantly either in fact to begin with they got worse but it was digging among the scraps of myself I found that one thing that was solid that became a new foundation stone to rebuild me I’m proud of how far I have come and I know I still have a long way to go so instead of a beginning, the new year is a continuation because this year I know I am worth it
Hitting Reset Form: Epistle Theme: A Self-Healing Journey
Regaining love for self is not an easy task it is an uphill challenge with progress often followed by a falling back because to love self is to acknowledge I am human with human frailties and vulnerabilities with innate yearnings of natural wants and needs wants and needs that often make the heart lose sight of boundaries I need to protect myself boundaries that remind me not everybody is deserving of being close to me holding my hand touching my soul and reaping the benefits of my loving and those boundaries are also there to allow myself to be deserving of my love
Saying Thanks Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
When I first saw the question on being grateful to self my initial thoughts are that’s a bit dumb yet I don’t think twice when saying thank you when someone does me a favour or offering thanks to the universe when life is going right or if life is crap for pulling me through but through these introspective self-healing prompts I have learned to say sorry to myself and that really sounded like a dumb idea but it works in allowing me to move forward by acknowledging my fuck-ups, putting them right or stepping away from them and if someone did that for me I wouldn’t think about it I would simply say thank you, so perhaps saying it to me when I do it makes sense so for awhile now I have been practicing and I started with something simple – a cup of tea because I always say thank you if someone makes me a brew the result has been I find I am more aware of being allowed to stop and pause for a cuppa anyone who knows me knows I can be a tad ceremonious about tea and by acknowledging my gratitude to me I am finding I get my teapot out making my tea how I like it instead of the quick rush job of a teabag in a mug which I hate to the point I don’t enjoy it it’s giving me time to do something for me permission to enjoy my brew to pause in the chaos of life and let it all be and I should be grateful for that
Who Am I to Judge? Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
After years of being made to feel not good enough it has become second nature to judge myself as not good enough not the best mind set for building confidence or a sense of self-worth really and I can’t jut say it is what it is about that this is currently a work in progress which started with letting go of what other people think and I am now very aware developing that I don’t give a fuck thinking was the easy bit even though it felt alien to begin with once I started asking my self why I needed validation from someone who clearly couldn’t give a fuck about me their self-obsessed approval was never going to happen and I realised I didn’t need that approval and letting that go which I thought would be hard in the end it was easy the more I let go the more I felt myself growing the more I felt myself worthy of me and now I am learning to approve of me who I am what I do how I think it doesn’t matter one fucking bit what others say it has to be me who says I’m good enough for me and that is hard
Gratitude Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
Gratitude is a powerful thing and it is difficult to know where to start with gratitude towards self what are the aspects of me I am grateful to have in times of low self-esteem it’s even more difficult reliance then falls to those core aspects aspects that nothing and no one can knock off kilter for me that is my spirituality that spiritual path that I know I should be walking and when I am not I know I need to get back on it whatever it takes I need to regain my footing and get back on it and I am grateful I know how to do that the ability to isolate myself so I can look at my life look at the ways I am going wrong try and find solutions or if not eradicate them completely as they are not for me and I am grateful that at these times I can find the strength and wherewithal to make decisions and take actions needed even if they hurt me and sometimes others simple fact if something is wrong it is wrong that needs sorting and I should be grateful I can do that
Forgiving Self Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
To myself I write before the dark thoughts claim my mind – again – and they will they always do but each time I am more ready a little bit more aware and a little bit more forgiving towards myself if not towards others for I am learning forgiveness starts with self and not someone else so I forgive myself for those times I let my self-esteem fall for those times I forget I am worthy of love even the love from myself I forgive myself for choosing the situations that make me feel less because I believe I am less someone else doesn’t do that to me unless I let them and for letting them I forgive myself but I will never forgive them no more will I pretend they didn’t mean it as I know perfectly well that they did and I forgive me for knowing it it is in my own forgiveness I release me to find my worth and identity free myself to love me for who I am and that to forgive them lessens me which reminds me no one is worthy of that
More Than That Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
Just like everyone else l have negative points like the things I can’t or won’t do yet feel I have to just because someone else wants that because they say I have to make them happy because if I don’t it breaks their dreams because if I love them I will so what if by doing these things the negative impact on me is not good or worse it is degrading my own self opinion it is soul-destroying and devalues my self-worth is that worth their happiness no it bloody isn’t I believe I am worth more than that because I am not a happiness toy performing for someone else’s satisfaction if I need to do that because I love them then damn they see me as less than nothing and I am worth more than that and if they had any love for me at all they wouldn’t ask for it so to prove my love is accepting I am unloved and there is where it all goes wrong and again I say I am worth more than that
Red Flags Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
Rose-tinted lenses disguising red flags yet they were there all along there to be seen there as a warning yet went by unheeded logic denied by stubbornness stubbornness knowing better than reality we can work it out iron out the creases pretentions of they don’t exist my mind is seeing it all wrong and I’m strong enough to live with it strong enough to make it all okay strong enough to destroy my own thinking let my mental health dwell in destruction it will heal again quick enough enough to keep going enough to take the chances a chance against all the odds the price of love cheap at half the price paid in full only self-loathing and depression as small change cheap at half the price self-esteem left shattered on the floor in the dawning realization that this love just ain’t worth it
Jeans Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
In my teens and 20s I wanted to fit in wanted to be normal and I didn’t want the labels still don’t want the labels but now I know they have their uses sometimes Wanting some sort of normality a reality that really wasn’t mine to have but I wanted it so in effect was comparing myself to the stereotype women imitating their conversation their desires and ambitions and using them to bury myself deeper pretending I couldn’t see that reflection looking at me from the bathroom mirror pretending I didn’t know one day those cold piercing grey eyes wouldn’t win through and I’d stare back blankly shrugging what can I do What can I do but nothing much nothing much as in my 30s love refused to be denied as it gripped every sense in me reading me deep beneath my skin and accepting understanding who I am in its embrace of tranquillity and in loving me she taught me how to love me understand and accept me to feel safe in men’s jeans and an oil-stained t-shirt she brought him out of the shell to be the strength I would need when love fell asleep in eternal rest I lost that strength grieving for the love that seemed out of reach to never hold me again and I forgot to love me buried deep in the endless pain endless tears endless future of emptiness had she taken me with her? Perhaps and perhaps I believe so believing I should be me stand tall in her love once more safe in an old pair of jeans watching rugby with a take-out curry and I swear she took a swig of my beer just as she always did perhaps then I am just a guy and my love is hers for the keeping just as it always was and I am good with that
Cruel to Be Kind Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey Question: Where am I blocking my own love from myself?
When my self-esteem is struggling I am my own worst critic on everything, and I mean everything. From my writing to what colour underpants I am wearing if my self-esteem is being sucky then it is all wrong and not worthy of anything, let alone love.
I now know the urge to hit delete at every word, line, poem or story is a good warning shout something is askew with me. In most cases, it is just a dose of the blues and we all get those and the answer is simple – take some time out and do something else. In my case it’s often grabbing my rods and heading off for a bit of fishing.
But if it’s a long-term thing, and the bipolar spirals start happening and thus inviting the deep depressions and related self-loathing back in then it’s a bit of a problem. Something or someone is making me look negatively on myself, and I am not seeing it. I am, without being negative about it, not very good at seeing things like that as they happen, probably because I don’t want to see them. By the time I do see it, it’s too damn late and the damage is doing its work on me.
The only answer then is to withdraw, step back and take a long hard look at my life. It also means making some choices and taking a proverbial axe to cut out what is harming me. And harming is the correct word, as spirals, depression, and lack of self-worth are the direct cause of darker suicidal thinking.
It is something I have to be tough about, accept the hell it may cause, and the hurt. It means I have to be kind to me and give myself time to adjust and get over it. Cruel to be kind as it were. Taking back me and taking back control of my life more like. Cruel to just be says it better.
Dreary green waves hustle and rage thrashing against the shore and the trees shiver hunched against the cold but they know where the storm has been this wild winter seascape cannot hide secrets where the waves churn to crash and fall seething from the depths found where the horizon lies a bleak green vista fading into grey the battered and weary trees know the storm comes from sadness without pleasure without delight yet in its tempestuous rage it brings closure an end to another long night
“Stay focused and stay determined. Don’t look to anyone else to be your determination – have self-determination. It will take you very far. ~ Justice Smith”
Now that quote reverberates through me. Over the last few years I have come to know just how true those words are, and in the last six months or so self-determination has become a mantra of survival – here goes
As Gloria Sings Form: Italian Octave
Too long drifting without hope nor desire My heart, broken and life starting to fray The question: would I see another day? Did I want to, did I still have that fire? As life mercilessly acts to conspire Those words against me are all they can say I see no way out, no cards left to play Let go, drift back and let the fates inspire
Gently refocus love to love myself And rebuild again every bloodied shard Of my heart, the fucked up mind will be hard The drifting too much damaged mental health So long in hiding and living in stealth So carelessly how I let down my guard Even though all signs warned I’d end up scarred And scarred I am but that is now my wealth
From love’s blades, the same that tore into me Ripping all sense, all feeling from my skin Came something stronger waiting deep within Like a warrior fighting to be free Released in deep breaths refocused to see A new day shines, a new life to begin Nothing to lose, everything to win For now, I determine what’s right for me
Turning It Around Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey Question: Where in my life do I have feelings of unworthiness for my own love?
After years of therapy, I know the self-hate comes from my youth and I think self-hate is saying I am unworthy of my own love, isn’t it? I am not going to apologize for the words I use as it is how I felt at the time.
Growing up in a time when being trans and gay were something to be, to put it politely, frowned upon I hated myself for being wrong. It’s not that I hated the inner man growing inside me, nor did I hate the outer woman, they didn’t feel right together and I hated that. It made me who I am wrong, and I really hated that.
Questioning gender and sexual identity during the puberty years made that self-hate so much worse. My body was doing the things I didn’t want it to do. I hated boobs growing, who in the hell wants to bleed once a month anyway, and did I mention I hated boobs, man I really hated them. So during that period of puberty, which at best is confusing, at worst a living hell, the self-hate took control. I learned the ways to deny reality, hide who I am, and hate myself privately and quietly. No one else needed to know I was a freak.
Self-hate has driven me to suicidal states more times than I want or care to remember. Self-hate not only makes for feelings of unworthiness of love but also unworthiness of life. It is not all doom and gloom. Gender transition was only the start of the process of healing that is still ongoing. It led to a therapist I could trust and who has helped me, bit by bit, turn a life around so it is a life I want to live. He has opened my eyes to the power of accepting self-love and being worthy of it. For that, I am forever grateful.
It has not been easy, nothing worth doing ever is. Sometimes the pain was more than I thought I could bear. Pretty much, the pain came from me thinking I could find another way when there wasn’t one, so in part was self-induced, it still bloody hurt though. However, the pain, the tears, the anger, and the sorrows have all been worth it. I am worthy of loving myself and of being who I am.
Two things sprang to my mind and I just wasn’t going to look up a Shake’n’Vac ad as I love Queen, and this is a classic. This year for me has been one of clearing out and dumping the mess of life and getting life back on track. Is my mind any cleaner, well, it is clearer, but it still has its down and dirty moments – naturally? So here goes
Dusty Cobwebs Form: Heroic Stanza 1
Open eyes, I can’t see the way ahead Just drifting through, listless from here to there Like an empty ship with nowhere to go Nothing is left and no reason to care
Inside my mind, no thinking is found And looking back that hindsight is a pain Things I should have seen, things I should have known Hindsight where red flags fall like pouring rain
Cobwebs of the mind cluttered up by love Passions of the heart that should be sorted Out of my reach, it don’t belong to me Imaginings of love, old and distorted
It’s time for a clear-out, time to forget Discard the sorrows and drown it all out Sleep it off to awaken the new dreams Part with holding back, shaking off the doubt
No more hiding in shadows of decline Nor refusing to see the way ahead The reality of a love gone wrong It’s time to wake up, get out of that bed
To look for the moment the senses feel The shake of the dust as the cobwebs fall And the future sweeps it in a trash can New beginnings await to show it all
Discarded sadness and anger in the past No longer matters, I no longer care Old memories may come but they will go Now, a fresh start and it’s going somewhere
Dust, cobwebs, love, emotions off my back I am moving on, I’m ready to grow Dejunked and refreshed with my dreams alive In the tranquillity I need to know
Bitch from Hell Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
The question is what aspect of self did I find hard to love and that is easy to answer – it is the remaining streak of femininity. I am not talking about the stereotypical female likes here such as loving to cook most of the top chefs are men a love of flowers I will just say Titchmarsh and Monty Don, even Percy Thrower – all men it’s none of that truth be told I can’t really put my finger on it but I see it I see it in my stubbornness I see it in my self-determination and I see it in my bad temper and somehow I have got to love this bitch from hell and I have come to do that instead of seeing her influences as a negative aspect of self surely, as with most negatives, there has to be balancing positives and there is without her stubbornness, I would give in without her self-determination, I would have given up and without her bad temper, I wouldn’t stand up for myself all I would be is a doormat for others to walk on and I wouldn’t have the balls to do what I need to do for myself so yes I have come to love her for she is my strength empowering me to do it my way, on my own and that’s cool
Work In Prog Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
‘You’re so brave’ ‘You’re clever’ and various other random compliments including ‘I love you’. Do I believe them when they are said at me
NO
There are very few people I trust enough to believe they mean it when they pay me compliments. There are a few the same few people who are honest enough to tell me when I am screwing up. They are also the ones that don’t load what they say with how they want me to be because they accept me as me
Learning to tell the difference to see it before it is too late that is a work in progress
The old demons descended like a black cloud Surrounding my heart deep inside their darkest shroud The glint in their eyes sparkling like stars on the sea As the white storm horses rise and roll over me Yet in this embrace I have no need to feel fear For it’s in these dark hours my destiny is clear As my soul’s desires stare right into my face A time of reckoning then, found here in this place
What the Hell Was I Thinking Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-Healing Journey
Yet again I have let my self-confidence be torn apart trying to conform to ideologies that are not my own. I don’t even know why I do that, and I know it is the road to depressive cycles and ultradian trips doing that. The reality is with bipolar it is a self-destructive death wish to do that – and I bloody well know it.
Yet again this vacation into self-destruction and self-loathing is tied up with love. I let myself believe in love being possible, that someone loved me for me and not what they wanted me to be – wrong again, and I knew it. Like an idiot I didn’t stop it right there – no, I let the destruction of me begin.
I was ignoring my gut instincts which weren’t just whispering but screaming through my head that it was a bad idea. I really need to learn to trust them more as they have a horrible tendency of being spot-on. Indeed, they were nailing it. Instead of listening, I went with the old habit of burying myself behind a smile of conforming to an ideology I didn’t want, and in the process, my self-confidence faded into nothing.
So the depressive cycles started and I started to kid myself that I needed them to be creative, to do what I do. I know I don’t, I really know I don’t but I let myself believe that. Then the mental rollercoaster of ultradian and the highs to mega lows and destructive thinking and still I thought I could handle it. Being a stubborn git is not always a positive thing
This time fate dealt a wake-up call with some harsh life blows that have made me stop and think, and take time to look at life and where it was heading. Those blows hurt deep and still hurt deep, but despite that, I am grateful as I needed the boot up the ass. I was on the wrong path, I was losing everything, and worst of all, I was losing me. That had to stop and has stopped. Through grief and illness that forced me to rethink, I found my self-determination and inner strength.
It is time to rebuild, let go of everything that is not for me, and move on. I got this.
This one feels like a free verse and letting the muse do her thing and see where it goes. I have been writing a lot of love and happy poems lately I have a feeling this will be somewhat darker – indeed, I need a dark write. Bipolar has been an issue most of my life and my writing helps release those darker thoughts. So here goes
Jaded Wings Form: Free Verse
There is no room for love as hope begins to fade and jaded wings bereft of flight mantle in a defensive shield refusing to yield for a damaged soul needs to heal no time to escape into imagined worlds while reality kicks the heart down no drink nor drugs to free the mind from this unkind world and there is no escape except that one yet through a cracked door whispers a beam of light a guiding beacon speaking louder now open the door just open it take that one step out one step away from the abyss of self-destruction one step is all it takes to escape and jaded wings take flight
The Beginning Form: Epistle Theme: The Self-healing journey
Hey JezzieG,
Just to let you know a few things I love about you, man. Yeah, there is probably more but your old fingers ain’t gonna take that much typing are they? And there is the first thing, that self-awareness in that you are getting older and simply accepting that with your usual sense of dry humour. Nobody else gets it but hey why should you care – that is their problem, let them deal with it.
And that leads, naturally, into another thing – your dislike of unnecessary drama and the divas that use it. I swear you have ‘Not my monkeys’ tattooed on the palm of your hand as you roll your eyes and walk away. I know that is an aspect of yourself that you won after a hard fight of feeling you should care just to fit in with other people’s ideals. No, mate, why the hell should you?
I love the fact you stand for your own identity and let other people have theirs. Live and let live, right? So many would deny you your right to be you, even saying being you denies them their identity. What utter rot! They don’t like what you are, there’s a one way door out of your life they can take and you are not afraid to tell them that.
I love your creativity. The way an idea just pops into your head and you make it something powerful, weird, wonderful, or just plain nuts. You see something in the every day world differently and it takes on a new life. Is that magic?
And it is the every day world of nature that fascinates you. I love the tranquillity of your soul as you sit by the stream, night or day, and just absorb the sounds and movements of nature, letting them mingle in your mind with your own thoughts until you are at one with the earth itself. It is there I believe you find that inner resilience to be distanced from others, especially those who have shown they are not worthy of your trust.
Now, JezzieG, I have shown you just how strong you are, mate. You got this, you deserve it, now go for it.
In glares of light that explode in the sky Just don’t speak to me, don’t you dare touch me Another squealing flare disturbs the night As I run away with no place to hide There is nowhere safe for me to find rest While humans are setting the sky on fire It goes on night after night, without end And while they are laughing, I feel the pain And all my eyes see is the blood of fear The once a year crashes, flashes and bangs Now never-ending and without a care In the name of fun so what if I’m scared I’m just an old soldier sent back to fight In the echoes of a long distant war
Jezzie G 